The Apprentice: Choose Life

Paraphrasing Heisenberg and Lord Acton, if measuring something corrupts, then putting it front of a TV camera corrupts it absolutely. And so the Apprentice starts again; the most inaccurately named and badly conceived programme since the last one.

The BBC hyperbole machine is already spinning at maximum again, with the web site, radio appearances, spin off shows and blogs all present and correct. Every newspaper is in the process of being fed appropriately outrageous stories guaranteed to cause pain and embarrassment for anyone unfortunate enough to be related to or a colleague of one of the vapid contestants. Then they'll crop up as a 'talking head' on business issues all over the BBC, holding forth on issues that are actually important, or perhaps fronting a dumbed down business programme for a world with the attention span of a...oh, whatever.

The worst thing is that no one cares. We're now at the long and painful arse end of the reality TV cycle where the format is exclusively consuming itself to such a degree that Big Brother is cancelled, with virtually the entire audience inured to the hype by a fresh brand of tough cynicism and a couple of mildly amusing Ben Elton books. Thus the feedback loop is cemented and furthered as the extensive promotional mill demands further grist, achieving ever greater heights of exaggeration to get the real ultimate prizes; revenue generating votes, half witted opinions from viewers at 10p a shot.

Therefore the public gets what the public wants and vice versa; every time a viewer votes for a self aggrandising fool - so much more so for subjecting themselves to the editing razor of a machine that places them at the bottom of the hierarchy of importance - the tactics employed by these programmes are validated and extended. Television is discredited as a medium and we blindfold ourselves with dire consequences because we reduce the impact of everything we see through the big LCD in the corner of your living room; it's not just a television, it's a Lowest Common Denominating machine.

So what to call shall we name our beloved programme? What is it? It's a stupid and loud job interview with a load of obnoxious idiots so I propose; "JobCentre Plus: London", which would permit a new JobCentre plus franchise in not just every country, but in every city in every country. Now that's a model for growing a brand.

Next time, I'll be describing how Lord Sugar can benefit from the secrets of the immortal living dead.